Sissi O’Shaughnessy
One of the top questions we hear from suicide loss survivors is: How do I talk to my child? Is it OK to tell them the truth about how their loved one died? What language should I use?
Sissi O’Shaughnessy, Samaritans Senior Director of Suicide Grief Support Services, navigated these questions with her own daughters following her husband’s death. She has since devoted her life to supporting other suicide loss survivors on their grief journey and has become an expert in guiding parents and caregivers through this difficult moment.
Here, she shares advice–professional and personal–that every parent should know when talking to their children about suicide. This blog is formatted as a Q&A to address questions that Sissi and the Samaritans team regularly hear from parents of young children (ages 2-12) who’ve experienced a suicide loss.
Q: Is it OK to discuss suicide with children? Will introducing the topic cause them harm or put them at greater risk of suicide?
Sissi: Research shows–and I can tell you from personal experience–that it’s healthy and healing to speak with young children directly about suicide loss. Introducing the subject of suicide doesn’t put children at greater risk–instead, it decreases their fear and anxiety by giving them a space where they can speak openly and get their questions answered honestly.
By talking about suicide early and openly, you can help your children develop a narrative about their loved one’s death that will help them heal and navigate the outside world. This way, when they are asked about their loved one at school and elsewhere, they will know exactly what to say without shame or stigma.
Q: How and when should I approach the conversation?
Sissi: You should broach the subject as soon as you can, while being mindful of your own needs. You want your kids to get this important information from a person they love and trust before they hear rumors at school or in the community.
The better able you are to stay calm and grounded in your own truth, the more calm and grounded your children will feel. If you don’t feel you can navigate the topic on your own, consider initiating the conversation in the presence of a therapist or another trusted adult who can help you feel more grounded.
It can help to start the conversation in a location where you’re not face to face–e.g., walking, in a car, seated side by side–so your child can process the information as slowly as they need. Allowing time for silence is important. Your child may need time before they can ask you for any additional information or support they may need.
Q. What language should I use that children can understand?
Sissi: The Dougy Center has great advice on this topic. We, and they, generally advise a few general principles.
- Keep it brief. Start with a short, simple explanation, and let the child guide the conversation from there. Depending on their age and maturity level, they may have follow-up questions that you can answer simply too.
- Use simple, direct language–e.g., Daddy has died. Daddy’s body is no longer working. Suicide means you make your own body stop working. Avoid euphemisms, like passed away, lost, or went to sleep.
- Avoid creating or reinforcing stigma. Suicide is caused by illness, like many other types of death, and you can talk about it the same way–e.g., Daddy had a disease of the brain.
- Make sure children know that they are not to blame. Kids–especially very young ones–are egocentric. You will need to help them understand that suicide is caused by a sickness, not by anything they did or didn’t do.
- Be comfortable saying, I don’t know or I’m going to take some time to think.
- There is no need to share details if your child does not ask. Your child will ask for exactly what they are capable of accepting or processing.
Q: What developmental considerations should I take into account for children of different ages?
Sissi: Children at different developmental stages are likely to need different levels of information about suicide.
- The youngest kids (ages 2-6) need very concrete language (see above). They need to understand that death is permanent.
- Children ages 7-12 are more likely to ask “why” and “how.” Here, you can keep it simple too. Daddy was experiencing unbearable pain in his brain. He took too much medicine to make his body stop working.
- Teenagers may want a fuller explanation, which you can provide. You can also enroll them in a peer support group, so they have space to learn and express more and don’t feel so alone.
Talking about a suicide loss is not a one-and-done conversation. You and your children will continue to discuss their grief and how it affects them as they get older, and they may have new questions as they mature. I recommend using anniversaries or birthdays to check in on how they’re doing with their grief.
Q: What signs should I look for that a child needs mental health support?
Sissi: Children show mental health distress in a variety of ways, including school avoidance, social withdrawal, sleep problems, eating too much or too little, disproportionate anger and irritability, and suicidal ideation or self harm. Any behavior that is significantly out of alignment with their normal, day-to-day habits could be a sign of distress.
Early in the grief process, many of these behaviors are natural and normal. What you want to see is that your child is able to talk about how they are feeling, whether it’s with you, a therapist, another trusted adult, or a support group.
If your child stops talking, that’s when you should get more intensive support in place. That is a good time to consult with a therapist if you have not already.
Q: How do I navigate my own grief while supporting my child’s?
Sissi: You don’t have to hide your grief. When we are honest and transparent about our sadness, it gives children permission to be honest about their sadness too. That said, you don’t want to make your children feel responsible for holding your grief or for other adult responsibilities (e.g., making meals, doing errands).
During your most acute phase of grief, you may need to call on other adults to take on some parenting tasks. That’s OK. Give yourself some grace. Your grief will come in waves, and it’s good to model getting help when you need it.
You can encourage your child to ask for help from trusted adults too. Let them know that their aunt, guidance counselor, etc. is there for them if they want to talk. Make sure that these adults can reinforce the narrative about suicide that you and your child have created together.
