Soul-Care for Times When Thoughts Become Heavy

Dr. Charmain Jackman, founder, InnoPsych

There are times in life when our thoughts can become really heavy. During some of our most challenging life experiences or transitions, we may become overwhelmed by sadness or stress and, as these feelings escalate, even have passing fantasies about death.

Thoughts about death and suicide can be difficult to understand or share with others, contributing to a sense of isolation. But passive suicidal ideation (that’s the clinical term) is more common than you may think, and there are steps you can take to feel better, find support, and prevent further emotional distress. 

Dr. Charmain Jackman is a licensed psychologist, mental health advocate,and advisor to Samaritans who has spent 20+ years providing therapy and educating people about mental health. In the following Q&A, she shares advice for how all people–and especially people of color–can care for ourselves and access support when thoughts grow too heavy. 

Q: What is passive suicidal ideation? 

Dr. J: Sometimes when things get hard, our brains search for a way to escape and may move in the direction of death and, even, intentional death (i.e., suicide). We may have a thought like, “If I don’t wake up tomorrow, that would be OK,” or “I wish this pain could be over for good.” 

Passive suicidal ideation is just what it sounds like: general, often fleeting thoughts about death or suicide that aren’t necessarily accompanied by a specific plan to act. It’s your brain secretly saying it wants out of its current, painful situation. 

Thoughts about death and suicide are very common–especially for people with untreated mental health conditions and people experiencing significant emotional stress–but you shouldn’t ignore them. These thoughts are a signal that it’s time to take care of yourself and get support.  

Q: Why am I having these thoughts?

Dr. J: Suicidal thoughts often stem from untreated illnesses like depression and anxiety and/or from circumstances that add extra pressure in our lives. As a person of color, immigrant, or member of another marginalized group, you may feel consumed by current events that threaten your safety and identity. Or maybe there’s a supervisor at work who has been treating you poorly, or a group of co-workers whose microaggressions cause you to feel unwelcome. Perhaps you’ve been working long hours and feel exhausted and underappreciated. Maybe you’re experiencing financial strain or caring for others without a lot of support. 

All of these life stressors–which are often made worse by racism, sexism, xenophobia, homophobia, and other forms of oppression–can make you feel so overwhelmed that you have a thought to quit life. Suicidal ideation is your brain asking for an escape from that distress. It’s your inner self telling you it’s time to make changes and/or get help. 

Q: What steps can I take to improve my mental health?

Dr. J: There is a lot you can do to support your own mental health. I’ve created a framework that I call “Soul-Care Wellbeing Wheel.” It includes seven areas of life where some added attention or refreshed habits can help you manage emotions and improve your overall wellbeing. (You can use our apps to learn more.)

• Rest. Sleep is absolutely essential for our emotional regulation. This is the time our bodies and minds need to heal and regenerate. Think about the routines you have around rest: Are you setting yourself up for a good night’s sleep? If you’re scrolling through the news right before bed or eating a big meal late at night, it can interfere with your sleep quality. Instead, think about how you can use the hour or two before bedtime to unplug and create space for your mind to rest.
• Spirituality. Many people find healing and restoration in faith practices, like attending church or a prayer circle. For others, spirituality may look like time spent connecting with nature or a larger sense of the universe. Choose what works for you. Do you feel restored by attending religious services, a walk outdoors, or ten minutes of quiet meditation? All are excellent options. 
• Social support. We are social beings. We need each other to come out of our own echo chambers and regulate emotionally. But when we’re experiencing difficult mental health, there’s a common tendency to pull away. It can feel like a huge effort to connect with loved ones. For some people, especially introverts, it can help to think about quality over quantity. If you’re feeling anxious, it may not be helpful to go to a big social event. Maybe there’s one trusted friend who you can check in with regularly, someone who helps you to see things differently.
• Nutrition. Eating well and drinking enough water are critical to mental health. Consider: Are you eating healthy foods when you’re actually hungry, or are you eating when you experience uncomfortable emotions? Are you taking a break from your screen to eat mindfully? When you consider what you’re feeding yourself, think about what you’re taking in from your environment as well–for example, consider whether you are ingesting too much stressful information vs protecting your energy and heart from toxins you can avoid.
• Movement. We feel better–physically and emotionally–when we make time to move. Movement can happen in many ways, depending on your capacity and what feels good for your body. Maybe it’s a long walk, a yoga practice, or a dance class. Maybe it’s as simple as stretching in your chair. Maybe it’s a moment where you pause and take some intentional breaths. All of these forms of movement can help you reset your nervous system so you feel more at ease.  
• Routines. Consider how you set the tone for how you start and end your day. Do you begin with scrolling through the news or with an intentional practice, like naming three things for which you’re grateful? Do you end your day worrying about tomorrow’s to-do list or with a hot shower and a mug of warm tea? Are you sitting for long hours at your desk? Are you making time to move and socialize? Your day-to-day routines can play a big role in your mental health. Sometimes, a small shift in your routine can go a long way in improving how you feel. 
• Mental space. In the midst of our hectic lives, we all need time to unplug, to take time to step away from the screens, to-do lists, and other stressors. You may not always have a lot of time, but take a few minutes to do something that makes you smile. Read a few pages of a book, sit for five minutes in silence, color in a children’s book, listen to a favorite song, or do whatever fills you up and allows your mind to recharge and reset.

Q: When and how should I seek professional help?

Dr. J: If you’re having thoughts of death or dying, I recommend seeking professional support too. There is a lot you can do for yourself (see above), but all of us need additional support at some points in our lives. 

First, I recommend finding a qualified therapist who you can trust. Think of a therapist as an experienced guide–someone who is there to listen, who wants the best for you, and who has a whole toolbox of strategies to help you improve your mental health. My organization, InnoPsych, offers a free directory of therapists of color in nearly every state. You can search by location, specialty (e.g., grief, depression, anger management), ethnicity, and insurance provider. If your employer offers an Employee Benefits Program, you may be eligible for several free behavioral health (i.e., therapy) sessions. You can also call or text 9-8-8, the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, which will connect you to professional resources near you.

• If you’re new to therapy, check out these responses to the most frequently asked questions we hear from people exploring therapy for the first time.

Next, you might consider consulting with a psychiatrist or clinical nurse practitioner. These are the professionals who can advise you on whether medication might be a good option for helping to regulate your mental health. The InnoPsych directory also includes these types of professionals who specialize in BIPOC care. You can also request a referral through your primary care doctor or insurance provider. 

Since the road to mental health is a journey, I also like to recommend books, podcasts, and videos that you can consider as you explore the mental health strategies that best meet your needs. Here are some of the best BIPOC-centered mental health resources I’ve encountered (and I read a lot!):

• Homecoming: Overcome Fear and Trauma to Become Your Whole, Authentic Self by Dr. Thema Bryant (check out the related podcast!)
• The Racial Healing Handbook: Practical Activities to Help You Challenge Privilege, Confront Systemic Racism, and Engage in Collective Healing by Annelise Singh
• InnoPsych Resources: My own organization hosts a YouTube channel and blog where we elevate the work of BIPOC mental health professionals and advocates of color in thoughtful conversations about therapy and mental health. Watch this short PSA.