Losing a loved one to suicide is a painful and difficult experience. Loss survivors are at a higher risk for suicide themselves, yet they often do not reach out for help until years after their loss.
Talking to someone who recently experienced such a tragedy can feel complicated, especially if you are not a loss survivor yourself. Even though you would do anything to help ease their pain, you might be afraid to say something that upsets them.
Below are some examples of ways you can help someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one to suicide, as well as some things to avoid saying and doing.
Take the First Step
You may be worried about saying the wrong thing to a suicide loss survivor, but saying something and establishing a connection is important. They will appreciate you making an effort to be there for them, and they won’t expect you to fix them or know exactly what to say. The worst thing you can do is avoid the topic or say nothing at all.
Whether it is a phone call, a text, a letter, or an in-person visit, let them know you care about them. Don’t wait for them to contact you; they are navigating complicated emotions and may not be in a place to reach out. It’s important that you take the initiative.
Begin by asking open-ended questions about how they are feeling. Give them the time they need to share and let them know they aren’t alone:
- “How are you doing?”
- “It takes a lot of courage to talk about this, and I’m here to listen.”
- “You shouldn’t have to go through this alone.”
Actively Listen
When they are sharing, give them your full attention and avoid interrupting. Making time to truly listen will show that you care. Go at their conversational pace and allow them space to express their feelings. Don’t be surprised if they share the same thoughts and emotions several times—it is common for grief to resolve itself through repetition.
You may feel tempted to talk about yourself, but you should keep the focus on them and be comfortable with silence. Unless you also lost a loved one to suicide, you shouldn’t tell them you know how they feel. Suicide loss survivors experience a unique type of grief; let them tell you how they feel.
DO
Give them all of your attention.
Validate their feelings.
Tell them that you care about them.
Acknowledge you don’t have answers.
Ask about their loved one.
Gently encourage self-care and provide resources
Offer specific ways to help
Reach out on holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries
DON’T
Ask about means.
Ask if they saw warning signs.
Express judgment .
Try to talk them out of their feelings.
Tell them they need to move on.
Make it about yourself.
Speak in clichés.
Say nothing or avoid the topic.
If you reach a point where you want to talk about yourself and feel it is appropriate to do so, you can ask if they’re ready for that. You can ask, “Are you in a space to be able to listen to me today?” Sometimes, they will welcome hearing about what’s going on with you, and sometimes they will need more space to share what they’re feeling.
Suicide loss survivors experience a unique type of grief; let them tell you how they feel.
Validate Their Feelings
It’s natural to want to be able to fix our loved ones’ problems, but you should resist the urge to offer solutions or talk them out of their feelings. Saying things like, “It isn’t your fault,” “You shouldn’t feel that way,” or, “You need to move on,” invalidates their feelings. Suicide grief is unique, and if they feel guilty or aren’t ready to move on, giving them permission and space to feel their feelings can be helpful.
Instead, it is important to validate their thoughts and feelings. If you hear reactions such as asking why or feeling responsible, reassure them that these are common thoughts for survivors to experience:
- “It’s perfectly normal to feel that way.”
- “That must be so hard for you.”
- “It’s healthy to cry, and you can cry in front of me.”
It’s okay to not know what to say to someone who is grieving—you can be honest and acknowledge that you don’t have the answers. (“I don’t know what to say, but I’m glad you’re talking to me about this. I care about you and I’m here for you.”) It’s better to admit you don’t know what to say, than to try to fill silence with clichés such as “Everything happens for a reason” or “Time heals all wounds.”
Share Memories of Their Loved One
Loss survivors appreciate the opportunity to talk about their loved ones. If you didn’t know the person who died, you can ask, “What were they like?” or “What are your favorite memories of them?” Share any memories you have and don’t be afraid to say the person’s name. No memory or detail is too small.
While sharing memories of the person who died can be healing, you shouldn’t ask about details related to the person’s death. Asking about means can be re-traumatizing, while asking about warning signs can make the person feel guilty, like they could have prevented the death. Avoid the following:
- “How did they take their life?”
- “Did they leave a note?”
- “Did you know something was wrong?”
- “Were they depressed?”
Provide Resources
It can be so difficult to watch someone you care about struggle. They need to grieve at their own pace, but you can gently encourage self-care or share stories about people who benefited from group support or other methods of healing.
Rather than judging them (“You look like you need more sleep.”), you can say something like, “I care about you and I want to make sure you’re taking care of yourself during this difficult time.” You can encourage them to:
- Drink water and eat nutritiously.
- Walk/exercise.
- Get enough rest.
- Take time to be in nature.
- Resist isolation by maintaining social connections.
- Listen to music.
- Identify family or friends they can reach out to.
You can also offer to help in specific ways. Rather than saying, “Let me know if I can help,” try something like, “I can come over on Monday night and drop off dinner for you.” Or, if they show an interest in seeking professional help, offer to help them search for a therapist.
If they ask you for help or resources, direct them to Samaritans’ Suicide Grief Support Services. Through SafePlace support groups, Survivor to Survivor visits, the LOSS Team, and more, Samaritans offers suicide loss survivors nonjudgmental listening and peer support, providing several virtual and in-person programs to support survivors in their grieving.
Maintain Your Connection
It’s important to set realistic expectations when it comes to the length of a loss survivor’s healing journey. Don’t expect them to be ready to talk to you just because you’re ready to talk to them. If they aren’t ready to engage, don’t stop trying to establish a connection. “I’m not going anywhere—whenever you’re ready, I’m here and I’ll walk with you.”
